BUSH: Dick…Dick…Dick…DICK! Pay attention, goddammit!
CHENEY: Sorry, Mr. President. I was thinking of something funny I saw on the internet.
BUSH: This is important.
CHENEY: Fine…I’ll e-mail you the link later.
BUSH: So, the CIA says that these Islamic extremists are planning on hijacking airplanes and using them as missiles to attack innocent targets within the United States.
CHENEY: Yo Prez! I know you’re worried and I’mma let you finish, but Pearl Harbor was the worst attack on U.S. soil of all-time! Of all-time!
BUSH: Dude, what the fuck? This is serious. It could happen soon. That’s what the CIA tells me.
CHENEY: I played tennis with Rumsfeld earlier and he fell.
BUSH: That has nothing to do with this warning I’m giving you…
CHENEY: But, when he fell, I saw his balls…hahahahahaha.
BUSH: Jesus Christ. And everyone thinks that you’re secretly in charge?
CHENEY: No, seriously, go ahead…what’s up with this potential terrorism?
BUSH: So, it looks like Bin Laden’s group is planning it and…
CHENEY: Bomb Iraq.
BUSH: This has nothing to do with Iraq.
CHENEY: Nobody will care. Just bomb them. Watch…everyone will LOVE you for it!
BUSH: My concern is this potential terrorist attack within our borders. I think we…
CHENEY: His fucking balls just dribbled out of his shorts like two deflated raisins…
BUSH: Holy shit, is it too late to get a new Vice President?
CHENEY: I mean, it was funny, but SOOOO gross. Rummy’s balls look like Nancy Reagan’s ass cheeks.
BUSH: Dick…focus.
CHENEY: Yeah, word. So, I definitely think we should just sit on this information, see what happens, try to claim it as a mandate for war-mongering when necessary, and totally liberate Iraq so that people hug us in the streets.
BUSH: Are you suggesting we allow ourselves to be attacked by terrorists?
CHENEY: What terrorists? The only thing I’m terrorized by is Rumsfeld’s old man balls. They probably smell like dust and sadness.
BUSH: ….
CHENEY: I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ve never, ever been wrong about anything.
BUSH: What about the time you were in charge of my Vice Presidential search and ended up choosing yourself as Vice President?
CHENEY: That would be hurtful if my heart hadn’t been replaced with the brain of a rabid wolverine in 1977.
BUSH: Do you have any real advice, Dick?
CHENEY: I think we should bomb Iraq with…
BUSH: Advice that doesn’t include bombing Iraq.
CHENEY: Well, we should…
BUSH: And advice that doesn’t include Rumsfeld’s balls.
CHENEY: Oh…well…yeah, then I’ve got nothing.
BUSH: Go away please.
CHENEY: Seriously, they looked like plants trying to escape the desert…AMAZING.
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